She won’t remember…

A couple weeks ago, I was going out for a ride and The Sprout started to cry because she didn’t want me to leave and a really strange thought popped into my head before I even had a chance to use my personal brain filter to protect my conscious thoughts from the dark bowls of my unconscious thoughts;

“Can’t I just buy her love back when she’s older and I’m so old this stuff won’t matter anymore?”

I have a pretty crude thought process, even with my personal filter, but I really had to stop and think for a second about it, it seemed so matter-of-fact and logical. I turned and looked at The Sprout;

“It probably wouldn’t be the same.” I decided, just as mater-of-fact-ly.

And that was pretty much it. I went on my ride. But that thought still goes through my head, not because I plan on trying it, but because now I use that phrase to remind myself to actually be with her when I’m with her instead of just filling the time trying to prevent her next outburst. I haven’t skipped a ride because of that thought so much as I’ve tried to make more of the time I do spend with her.

I don’t have to be just a show monkey pulled out for short amounts of time to please a fickle audience and she isn’t just a time bomb who could explode if I don’t do things exactly wright.  Were just a couple people and we can hang out together and be cool with it as just that. Two people.  It was actually a pretty calming thought.

Besides, isn’t it normal to have a therapist nowadays…?


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