The Second Time Around is the Worst

The second time around is clearly harder than the first. Now I know what I’m in for. I know what the next 8 weeks will feel like. I know what the transition will feel like when I return. I know how much different Sophie will look when I see her in the airport upon my return, how much I will have missed.

My family, who were with me over the summer in the UK, have gone home now and the apartment seems very big and quiet. I came home from dropping them off at Heathrow to find Sophie’s pink helmet, lying upside-down, on the bare white sheets of her empty bed, as proof of their visit. No greeting at the door or yells of “daddy home!” when I came in, just dark empty rooms and that helmet.

I moved the furniture back to how it originally was when I moved in. Before they arrived, I rearranged it all to be more Sophie-specific. With them gone, it just seemed like a flashing neon reminder that Sophie wasn’t here anymore, so I moved it back. When I rearranged the furniture in her old room, I found we’d forgotten to grab her singing glow worm because it was jammed along the side of the bed and no one saw it when we packed. She used to sleep with it at night, so I keep it in my bedroom now, next to the bed as a reminder. It doesn’t make up for not being able to tuck her in at night, but it’s what I have to work with at the moment.

Sorry for the downer post. There will be all kinds of rad shit to write up soon enough. I have pretty much booked every waking hour with some kind of adventure until I return. I just wanted to let you know those plans have their price.


3 Responses to “The Second Time Around is the Worst”

  1. Josie-Mom Says:

    Hi Ben,

    Beautiful post. Very warm, very human. Shows how much you care.

    Love ya and thinking of ya, Josie-Mom

  2. elewinnek Says:

    Awwww. If it helps, Sophie doesn’t miss that glow-worm. She does miss you (we both do), but every time she hears the skype phone ringing, she shouts, “Daddy home!” She’ll be hugging you in person soon (we both will).

  3. Ben, you’ll be home soon and you’ll pick up where you left off!

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